I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize