fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
