make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
