Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize