OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to calm my uterus...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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