i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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