My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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