Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
