I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
