If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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