I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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