Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
