Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
