In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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