I smell stomach acid.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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