Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
