well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
