I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Sponge bath it is.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
