I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
