you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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