Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
