yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
