I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
