peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
