im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
