I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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