i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
