I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
