How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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