you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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