I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
