I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
