its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
