i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
