If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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