Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
