I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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