So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
ttyl tear gas
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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