apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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