I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
