Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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