My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
