My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
