what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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