My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
