Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
