there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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