I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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