I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
