I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
