I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
