I wish I only lived at night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
