i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
