Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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